Paper 2 Section B- Question 2 Descriptive Piece- "Vacation"
Vacation
I descended down the winding path to Ruby beach. Although I was sheltered now by the lush green foliage enveloping the narrow sandy slit I was following, I knew the elements of the cold, harsh, and gray misty day would preside over the beach. Having taken a wrong turn on the confusing roads of Olympic National Park, I found myself at the wrong destination. I had heard about Ruby beach once before, but it was largely unvisited because of its unrelenting gusts of thick sea fog.
I saw the opening of the path ahead of me. As I stepped out, I was nearly swept away by the infamous gusts. I stumbled backward but regained my balance. I turned to face the wind and surveyed my surroundings. Before me were large algae-covered igneous rocks that seemed to have been cemented in the sand for centuries. Between the rocks were piles of gnarled driftwood assembled in a lattice formation. They had been bleached white by the unrelenting conditions of the Pacific coast. They patiently wait for the next wave to break them loose and send them back to the sea. Up ahead on the right were cliffs of sedimentary rock who have been quietly etched away from the various sea stacks to the left by the continuous work of the cold, crashing waves. One massive sea stack caught my eye. It was incredibly tall and wide, resembling a fantastical ship heading back out to the sea.
Infatuated by its presence, I struggled forward, leaning into the push of the howling wind. Mist blankets the landscape and intermittently fades, as if trying to entice me forward to uncover what is up ahead. Although the scene was predominantly gray and muted the colors of the vista, the strong, dark green of the windswept trees showed through. Their trunks and their branches all favor one side as a result of the brutal battery of the unrelenting wind.
As I passed smaller sea stacks that resemble tattered shark teeth, I looked out to the ocean. The ocean was anything but calm; every wave donned white caps, as if displaying their destructive status. The dark, brooding waters housed an unexplainable form of resentment. They picked up speed and grew in height just before they crashed into the jagged towers of rocks, sending a fanning spray forty feet into the air. The clear droplets rained and pattered against the sand and my face, further complementing the droplets it had accumulated from the fog. The black water roared with anger as I got even closer to the outbound rock ship, furious that it could not turn me away.
As I neared the strait of sand that would allow me to access the base of the rock monstrosity, I looked down to see a small brown mouse sheltering in a shallow divot in the sand. She had curled up into a tight ball with her eyes closed. She was pushed back and forth by the frigid blasts, her fur fluttering in the wind. For a moment, I felt bad. She seemed to be at the mercy of her surroundings. She was so alone. Then, her eyes slowly opened and turned my way. She looked at me and I looked back at her. She was tired, but also reassured. She knew she was going to be fine. She closed her eyes and settled further into the sand. She was one with the wind. She was one with the beach.
…
I stood facing the phantom ship. I looked at the path I had to cross. It was a thin strip of sand that connected the back of the ship to the beach. This last stretch was dangerous. Waves would collide over the path and then recede at certain times revealing a narrow margin of passage.
Heart racing, I studied the wave patterns. It was almost time.
Two murky waves crashed together and then receded revealing the path. I lunged forward and began sprinting. I felt the next two waves steaming towards me, ready to sweep me away into its icy black waters. I picked up my feet faster, increasing my stride. I was almost there. My outstretched hands slammed into the rock wall as the two waves converged behind me. I made it.
Panting, I looked up at the brown-and-black layered sedimentary rock face. Its majesty seemed to rise for endless distances into the gray sky above. I leaned my face against the cold, wet rock. Maybe I was meant to come here.
To start, I think that your blog was very attention grabbing and engaging with the audience as I was very intrigued. Therefore, I would give you ‘audience if fully engaged’ from level five of the AO2 rubric. Continuing, your blog was very descriptive and clear. As the prompt asks to focus on atmosphere and the colors and sounds included, I believe that you achieved this very effectively. You used phrases like ‘lush green foliage’ and ‘gray misty day’ to describe the setting around you in the first paragraph. This brings readers along the journey of the narrator, making sure that they are fully engaged. The story outline is the most interesting and clearly thought out aspect of the blog. Every detail was very well thought out and explained. For example, in your second paragraph, you mention ‘stumbled backward’ and ‘regained my balance’ to show what the character is going through. Overall, your blog was great and showed that you have a ‘high level of accuracy’ from level five. Your text was very logically organized and developed in a sophisticated manner. I would give you 21 marks for the AO2 rubric, very good job!
ReplyDelete-You used sophisticated language throughout the entirety of your piece. You mentioned the “lush green foliage” to describe how healthy your surroundings were. You included language like “monstrosity,” “unrelenting,” and “gnarled” which described how dark and gloomy the atmosphere at the beach was. You commonly changed up sentence structure, from using short sentences like “She was so alone” to “As I neared the strait of sand that would allow me to access the base of the rock monstrosity, I looked down to see a small brown mouse sheltering in a shallow divot in the sand.” This helped add depth to your writing so it was not flat and simplistic. (5)
ReplyDelete-In your writing, you possessed mainly higher levels of accuracy as there were no grammatical or spelling errors. However, you wrote in the past tense except for one verb; you accidentally wrote “wait” instead of “waited.”(4)
-You wrote your descriptive piece in chronological order which makes it easy and clear to follow. You began two consecutive paragraphs with “As I passed” and “As I neared” which show how you progressed throughout your story. (4)
-In your writing, you commented on the “bleached white” driftwood which follows the task of focusing on color and how the “black water roared” which follows the task of focusing on sound. However, there was a lot more discussion of visuals compared to audio. Just an idea: you could have added a slight squeal or whimper from the mouse. (4)
-I felt that the audience was really involved in this piece, especially when you were running towards the ship. In the beginning of the writing, the story was moving along quite slowly. Nearer the end, it began to speed up, involving the reader more. The final line, “Maybe I was meant to come here,” really triggers the reader’s emotions. It provided a sense of security. (5)
-Final Score: 22/25
You did an effective job of being very descriptive and painting a picture for the reader. The two main things you were asked to focus on were color and sound. It was easy to imagine the colors of what everything looked like as your story went on. For example, “... the scene was a predominantly gray and mute the colors of the vista, te strong, dark green of the windswept trees…” The adjectives used in the sentence captivated my attention and made me understand and see what the scenery looked like. You also were able to focus on sound by using words like “howling” and “pattered”. However, I think you could have been more in detail and focused on the sound by using metaphors or similes. As well as talking about the sound of the ocean and the mouse. (4)
ReplyDeleteThere is not much to say about the grammar and communication side. I put it through Grammarly and the only thing that was suggested was to get rid of the ‘down’ in ‘I descended down’ as it seemed redundant. I believe you executed your words very well throughout the whole blog. (5)
The structure of your writing made it seem like I was following you through every step of your journey. I think this was a great way to captivate the scenery through the way you see it. The chronological order also engages the reader as they want to know more about what is going to happen. However, I do not believe it was developed in a sophisticated manner. As in the beginning, it was a lot of I did this and I did that when it could have flown better if the story was just told. (4)
As I said earlier you did a good job focusing on the color and sound aspects of the story. You were fully on task throughout the entire story. Describe many colors such as ‘gray’, ‘dark green’, ‘white caps’, and many other adjectives. You also used words such as ‘howling’ and ‘pattered’ to describe the sound of the wind and rain. (5)
Everything was good. I was engaged the entire time. I felt like I was reading a chapter in a book. When describing your feelings such as your ‘heart racing’ and ‘panting’ engages the reader and makes them see your emotions in the writing. (5)
Score: 22/25
Hey Kathryn, I loved reading your blog on your vacation to “Ruby Beach.” The language you used helped me picture what the beach exactly looked and felt like as if I was there. The language describing the beach included “algae-covered” “crashing waves” and “dark, brooding waters,” which shows vivid terms. In the opening paragraph, you gave a brief but helpful description about how the beach was full of “gusts of fog” and you took the wrong path and ended up there. Then at the end, develop into how you were “meant to come here.” I liked how you started talking about a ‘Path to cross” which fully engaged me. As well as this mysterious “phantom ship.” All of the text was organized and structured effectively which made it very easy to understand. I would then give you 24 points total on AO2 for your paper. The only thing to work on is the text was very sophisticated, and at points was hard to keep track of what exactly was going on and was confusing at parts.
ReplyDeleteHi Kathryn! I hoped to learn from your writing so I decided to grade yours so here is my review:
ReplyDeleteIn media res is used. The sentence begins in the middle of the vacation with a verb of descending which is very effective and I did the same thing too. Right from the beginning too there is an adjective to describe the path ‘winding’.
The atmosphere is addressed using descriptive words like ‘cold’ ‘harsh’ and ‘gray misty’. This sets up a melancholic mood.
The adjective “infamous” is used which is definitely a new one that I have not typically seen.
The adjective of fanning was also used to describe the spray of water.
Sophisticated expression, with a wide range of language, including complex structures and less common lexis
High level of accuracy
Text is organized logically; ideas are developed in an effective manner. Organized chronologically.
Task is achieved fully; content is fully relevant. I think that you did a wonderful job in describing the whole vacation in great detail and limiting the narrative piece of it which was good. Your word count was near 750’s so if you continued to write until you had 900 words I think that there could have been a great amount of description added onto your text making it better.
The audience is addressed through the sentence about “Having taken a wrong turn on the confusing roads of Olympic National Park” was interesting and it helped engage the audience since they would be able to familiarize themselves with the trip through this spark of humanity that they can relate with, getting lost.
The audience is also fully engaged with the constant descriptions that satiate the reader’s imagination.
(5)
(5)
(4)
(4)
(5)
Total of 23 Marks! Although take my review with a grain of salt because I am not an AICE English Language examiner so my definitions of sophistication may be totally wrong in their eyes.